The Kunoichi's Guide: How to Get an Uchiha
by LoSinG-CoNscIoUsnEsS
Summary: Now you can get your very own Uchiha too! Brought to you by the publishers of Icha-Icha Paradise, comes this new and improved guide that recounts the journey of a simple girl and how she got her own Uchiha. Post-war. SasuSaku.


**Introduction**

Welcome! This is your personal guide that gives step by step instructions on how to get an Uchiha! Before we begin, there are a few necessary requirements in order to accomplish your goal:

1. You must be a kunoichi- preferably a strong one

2. Be a previous acquaintance - teammate or friend

3. He should be willing to communicate with you

4. Fertile – for Uchiha babies

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The moon shone milky rays, as shinobi walked around dressed in full combat gear. There was a silence almost everywhere, a fabric of easy calmness that draped itself on the world.

It was nice to finally live in safety, without having to worry about the next day. While some people slept in peace with this knowledge, others were bothered by the loud snoring of their teammates.

Sakura sighed, turning in her cot and kicking the tangled blankets at her feet. Each person was given a pillow and a blanket; basic necessities that didn't cost too much. Thus resulting in the rough bed sheets she slept in and not her soft ones at home.

Food was a similar situation, there was a large canteen where all shinobi had to eat; however, her case was a bit different. Being closely associated with the Hokage, allowed her to eat 'gourmet' food, as others called it. In all honesty, it was not very different, the nutritional intake was the same.

The pink haired girl put her hand in front of her face, barely making out the outlines of each finger. It was late at night, and almost pitch black in the tent; however, being a kunoichi (requirement 1- check) had its advantages.

Pumping a minuscule amount of chakra in her eyes, she looked around in the darkness, mentally pointing out all the slumbering people in it. Sakura smiled as her gaze landed on Konoha's blonde knuckle head, he was the true power behind their victory.

Only three days ago, Naruto and Sasuke had defeated their enemies, once and for all. In a way this war was bittersweet, many had died, but everyone was united.

Sakura reached over to push the blonde's head back onto his pillow. Naruto was a crazy sleeper, and so was she; that was one thing they had in common, both teens would always turn and toss at night.

They were all cramped into a small tent, with cots lined side by side: it was her, Naruto, Sasuke, Kakashi and Sai in that order. Each team had to sleep together, in case they needed to be summoned by the Hokage.

Sakura was lucky enough to get the bed at the very end; while she dumped her stuff on a chair, the boys stuck it underneath the bed. For her it wasn't the floor that was the problem, it was the rats. The rodents seemed to have become a common occurrence at the crowded camp. Jutsus and traps would only temporarily get rid of them, she would hate to find a beady eyed creature in between her clothes

Standing up from her cot, Sakura stretched while yawning. She adjusted Naruto's blanket tucking it in carefully, and running a quick check on the blonde's injuries.

She mentally cursed the bright glow that illuminated the whole room, but she knew nothing would wake up a tired Naruto. Sakura nodded with approval, her blonde teammate was always her best healer, obviously thanks to the tailed fox.

Sakura really owed Naruto; he had fulfilled his promise and brought back Sasuke. The new team seven was a hundred times better (requirement 2- check).

She grabbed her tussled blanket, straightening it out before wrapping it around her shoulders. Even though the calendar said spring was fast approaching, it was still chilly at nights. Shivering at the thought she turned to leave the tent, deciding to see Ino-pig, who currently had the night shift.

"Sakura" A deep voice said from the darkness.

She jumped, grabbing her thumping heart and whipping her head to the sound.

"Sasuke! You scared me!" She exclaimed in a whisper.

Sakura didn't know the dark haired boy was awake, in all honestly, unlike Naruto, Kakashi and Sai, she was wasn't familiar with Sasuke's habits, undoubtedly because of the years spent apart.

"Hn"

"How are your injuries?" She asked, taking a step closer.

Sakura would be lying if she said that her feelings for Sasuke had changed. Yes, she wasn't completely obsessed with him anymore, but she was still in love with him.

The pink haired girl glanced to her left, running a quick check on the silver haired man. Kakashi had been knocked out with some sedatives after being severely injured and stubborn enough to refuse getting rest. The mental and physical toll on her ex-sensei must be great, especially after seeing his old teammate.

"My wound" Sasuke said, dragging Sakura out of her thoughts.

She openly gawked, was Uchiha Sasuke asking her for help (requirement 3- check)? Getting over her surprise, Sakura nodded and walked towards her teammate. Even in the darkness, she could see exactly what the problem was.

"Nanya soray?! Who healed you, they did a terrible job!" Sakura said angrily, she needed to have a talk with Tsunade. It better not be one of the Konoha medics.

Taking a kunai out from her thigh holster, she carefully cut open the poorly wrapped bindings. Sakura sighed, she didn't have much chakra left and was exhausted from continuously using her seal. Putting her hands gently over the wound, she decided to partially heal the injury and then let the body do the rest.

It took only a few minutes, before the glow of her hands disappeared and Sasuke was almost completely healed. The wound was still raw, so she carefully wrapped the white bandages over him, after applying some soothing ointment, her own creation, mind you.

"Owatta" Sakura whispered, "But you still didn't tell me which baka healed you"

She put her hands on her hips, and stared down at the last Uchiha. It was a stance Naruto and Sai were well acquainted with, they would have run out the door- correction tent- by now.

Sasuke looked back at her blankly, a perfect, stoic expression on his face "I did."

He went back to lying down, and turned his back away from her, obviously done with the conversation. She didn't know whether to feel angry or embarrassed, she had just called _Uchiha_ _Sasuke_ a baka.

Sakura turned as well, fully ready on leaving, when she saw certain teammate sitting in his bed, giving her that annoying, fake smile. She groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. Great, just great. Another thing to bother her.

()()()()()(Introduction)()()()()()

The largest tents in each regiment were used for medical purposes, which allowed for more people to admitted and made it easier to find in case of an emergency. She was familiar with the specific medical base Ino-pig would be in, having worked in it during the course of the war.

Now, though, she had been 'promoted' to research and spent her time in a small tent going over jutsus, and poisons used by the enemy. It was solitary work, and often time consuming. There were many times she would get exhausted and frustrated, but in the end it was very rewarding in terms of knowledge.

"Oi, wipe that stupid grin of your face" Ino said, just as Sakura entered the tent.

The pink haired kunoichi rolled her eyes, "Hello, pig."

"Forehead," Ino nodded, grinning.

Despite their enthusiasm, they spoke in low whispers, wary of the sleeping patients around them. A few shinobi were awake, reading in the dim light or chatting with one of the nurses.

Sakura looked passed Ino and waved at Kiba, who returned it with his own drowsy wave. The green eyed girl look at her friend with a raised eyebrow.

Ino shrugged, "He got caught in a trap while scouting one of the Akatsuki's bases."

Sakura nodded in understanding, part of the reason they hadn't packed up base and returned home was because there were still a few things that needed to be done: discussions between kages, traps, and minor enemies who refused to give up.

"Well pig, you wanted to see me?" Sakura said, remembering their brief conversation earlier in the day.

"Oh!" Ino's eyes brightened mischievously.

After telling a passing nurse that she was stepping out for a bit, Ino roughly grabbed a surprised Sakura, dragging her to an isolated area.

"Well you see Sak," she grinned, "The war is over, people are happy, love is in the air..." the blonde said dreamily, "and so is sex. I need a good contraceptive justu."

"You should have paid attention in class!" the green eyed girl tsked.

Ino rolled her eyes, "Please, there was the cutest guy in front of me, and not all of us are personally trained by the Hokage."

Sakura blushed, "Fine then, I'll teach you the one I use."

Ino raised an eyebrow, "_You're_ having sex?"

"No! But it helps me remain on a fixed cycle." (requirement 4- check)

"Great! " the blonde grinned, "We can go to my tent tomorrow, and you can teach me. Shika's always with Temari, and Choji won't care if I kick him out. See you there."

"Bu-"

Ino shushed her, before putting both hands on Sakura's shoulder, "I'll find you okay? We need to talk about other things as well."

The blonde had a knowing look in her eye, that caused Sakura to huff.

"Ooo new patient and he's cute" giving Sakura a sly smile, Ino turned, returning to her work.

Combing back her bangs, Sakura stepped outside and decided to camp out with Tsunade-shisou, she really didn't want to see a certain someone.

()()()()()(Introduction)()()()()()

Congratulations! Now that you have met the requirements for this manual, please turn to the next chapter to learn about the first step in order to get your Uchiha!

Watch out for: tears from betrayal, sadness from the lack of response, anger from the lack of response, annoyance from the lack of response, fluttering heart, and mind-blowing orgasms!

()()()()()(Introduction)()()()()()

**Prologue! Yay! Tell me what you think!  
Also check out Kekkon + Tomatoes and Cherries**

**QUICK QUESTION**

What's your favorite TV show? (I like Modern Family and I'm planning to start GOT)


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